Photo reblogged from Proverbs 22:4 with 467,348 notes
you don’t understand i would sell my firstborn to know how this story started
Well it all started when Mrs. Hayfer wanted me to babysit her dumb house. When I got the keys, I sat them on top of this pie that I found on the counter. I knew it was going to be given to the family for desert if I didn’t eat it soon, so I was going to plan to eat it in my teacher’s house and dump all the crumbs on her bed. So it’s a win-win, right? Besides, she wouldn’t find out about the crumbs until after I was paid, and this teacher hates me anyway. Then, I got distracted when this hot cheerleader calls me, asking about what movie I’d recommend, but before I could answer, I realize that my mom would be there any second to serve dinner, and there was no way I was sharing that pie. So I bust out of there with the pie and the keys, and the moment I get in the house, I start chowing down on the pie with my bare hands, trying to eat this thing before anyone knows I took it, right? Well, since the pie crust was dry, I chugged a 2-liter bottle of soda whenever my throat would get dry and eventually, I really needed “to go.” Only when I went to flush, the water wouldn’t stop flowing and there was no plunger to be found. Usually I’d just shrug and say it was Josh’s fault or something, but let’s get real here, Mrs. Hayfer would’ve blamed me about her toilet overflowing if I was 30 states away. So I jammed my foot in there, hoping it’d make the toilet stop flushing. Then my phone rings, and I knew it was my mom, asking where her pie went, and because Meghan decided it’d be a great idea to make my ring tone a bunch of cats meowing, Mrs. Hayfer’s dog, Tiberius starts freaking out, bashing into the door over and over again. Now anyone who knows this dog knows that this dog will happily eat anything, and that includes the pie, and probably myself. So my foot’s totally stuck in there right, I’m freaking out and I still got half a pie left.
BLESS YOU
My goodness
Source: abadeerzs
Photoset reblogged from Proverbs 22:4 with 26,097 notes
Remember the time Cosmo got breast implants?
Source: ruinedchildhood
Post reblogged from Proverbs 22:4 with 25,651 notes
remember when zeke admitted he bakes and could make creme brulee man that was one of the biggest plot twists in movie history
Source: yourgold
Photoset reblogged from Proverbs 22:4 with 139,527 notes
THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE FUNNIEST FUCKING LINE IN THIS MOVIE I CRY EVERY GOD DAMN TIME I WATCH IT
Source: screamtrilogy
Photo reblogged from Proverbs 22:4 with 98,659 notes
“I can’t believe it….I’m on a box of cookies!
Source: crocketingsolly
Post reblogged from Proverbs 22:4 with 27,011 notes
friendly reminder that codename: kids next door had an entire episode about bras
i think u mean battle ready armour
Source: dirksempai
Post reblogged from Proverbs 22:4 with 49,999 notes
pardon me my good
uh…
sir.
filed under: jokes I never got as a child that makes me cry tears of laughter
Oh my god.. I GET IT NOW!
Source: busket
Photo reblogged from Proverbs 22:4 with 14,558 notes
Remember the time Crazy Steve measured his wiener?
Source: ruinedchildhood
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